The Flat Hat

Article Tools
Share on Facebook
Seed Newsvine
Send Article
Print

Make every day Valentine’s Day

The Valentine’s Day column. Man, that’s a tall order for a new columnist. Emily Powell has decided to keep the rest of what’s behind her closed doors out of the public eye, and here I am standing naked before the student body, ready to be judged on my sexpertise. While I doubt the thought of a new sex columnist really gets you hot and bothered, yesterday’s heart-shaped holiday might. What is the significance of Valentine’s Day anyway? It seems everyone has an opinion, but most points of view fall into a few categories.

Graphic By Olivia Walch.

First there are the non-conforming, dissident, anti-consumerists. They believe that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a corporate plot to motivate the hapless to spend money. There’s probably some truth to this opinion since the U.S. Greeting Card Association (Seriously? They have an association?) estimates that approximately one billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year worldwide.

Then there are the sex-crazed and the sex-deprived. To them, Valentine’s Day is a chance to justify their carnal lust without feeling self-conscious about their obvious intentions. The 14th is like a get-out-of-jail-free pass to wear their horniness on their sleeve.

Next come those that would say that Valentine’s Day is only for women. It’s a chance for them to get all dressed up and hope someone will spend money on them. (For those of you who hold this opinion, I refer you to the newly created “Steak and Blowjob Day” on March 14.) But as with the dissident’s outlook, this attitude carries some weight. It is estimated that women purchase 85 percent of all Valentine’s cards, which suggests that women do value the holiday more than men.

Of course there is the group that actually enjoys the holiday. These people love the togetherness, the heart-shaped everything and the chance to wear red clothing. Valentine’s Day is something they look forward to. However, something tells me the population of this group is waning.

And finally, there are those who cringe at the thought of V-Day. It’s a day for self-pity because they don’t have someone to share it with. Maybe they’ll curl up on the couch with some low-fat, low-carb, non-dairy, vitamin D-enhanced ice cream and watch “When Harry Met Sally.”

No matter which category you fall into (or if you are none of the above), it’s pretty incredible how many emotions this day can stir up. I mean, we are talking about a holiday whose name is derived from a group of Catholic martyrs whom we know little to nothing about. The day only came to be associated with love when Chaucer (he of “Canterbury Tales” fame) linked the two. There’s nothing inherently lovely about the 14th day of the second month of each year. It seems a little silly or at least misguided to attach so much importance to it. Why worry about this day? Why do our feelings have to be tied up in it? Can’t we just enjoy the gratuitous amounts of candy and cross our fingers for a little something extra at the end of the night?

Of course not. As with most things hoisted upon us by American culture, it’s hard to separate our identities from these practices. Even those who reject the holiday still define themselves by doing so.

I propose that we free ourselves from the pink, fuzzy handcuffs of Valentine’s Day. If you want to partake in passionate lovemaking with your significant other or just sweaty, awkward sex with a stranger, don’t wait until the 14th to do it. Get in touch with your sexual side without having to be prompted by the diamond industry. Dare yourself to buy flowers on another day of the year, send unexpected cards telling people that you love them and gorge yourself on chocolates and watch sappy movies on any day of the year.

The truth is, Valentine’s Day only has the significance that we attach to it. The next time you pass the UC with its heart-festooned tables, ask yourself if there isn’t a little bit of room for love every day of the year.

Maya Horowitz is the new sex columnist. She is a card-sending member of the U.S. Greeting Card Association.