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Member enlargement, spam e-mails: a ‘big’ problem

You guys, this is really embarrassing. Somehow everyone in cyberspace knows I have a small penis. It’s so small, it’s nonexistent! I keep getting these e-mails to “make my lovestick longer and more powerful.” So, which one of you let the cat out of the bag?

The good thing is, apparently I’m not alone. Did you know that each member of Alpha Chi Omega’s executive board has a really small penis? Yeah, they sure do, because my penile enlargement friends are trying to help them with their predicament. Work at the Rec Center? Chances are you have a very tiny penis — though I’m sure that might be up for debate.

I just wish I could get that job. I want to know who sits around writing these eye-catching, wit-testing one-liners about sexual giants. That just seems like the most awesome way to make a buck. In honor of these hard-working penis pushers, here are some of the best and brightest subject lines.

Improbable effect on your phallus! — I just like the idea of the unknown this evokes. Many effects are improbable: for example, color change, defenestration or, in reality, any kind of enlargement. But man, playing the odds with genitalia is fun.

Herbal science comes to your rescue! — Dude, if the writers’ strike weren’t ending (in two weeks, cross your fingers), these people could write the final season of “Lost.” Who knew that erectile dysfunction was the problem? And on a show like that, I think that’s pretty feasible.

Easily attainable massive male package — I’m a little concerned about mail-order penis replacements. This whole thing might not be able to fit in my CSU box, but gosh darn it, it’s so easy, I might as well go for it.

This is your thingy…..this is your thingy on meds. Any Questions? — Yes, many. Which thingy are we talking about here: I mean, personally, I call a lot of items “thingy.” Does my remote control need to be bigger? Perhaps. Also, is this like a your-brain-on-drugs situation? Because I don’t want my new penis to be dysfunctional.

You’re my Dream — I think this is my favorite, because if they were selling a subscription to e-mails that just make me feel better about myself, that’s something I would buy.

Magic transformations of your willy — I’m just concerned that they don’t exactly know what’s in these pills they’re peddling. Also, something about this advertising campaign is very juvenile. Exactly what is the audience here that they decided to choose willy of all euphemisms? As someone of the “Free Willy” generation and, therefore, the glorious Michael Jackson theme song, willy just brings up a slew of other associations.

Make your lassie moan with lust and passion! — Oh, this is no good. I just can’t shake the image of a border collie doing it with some guy with a tiny penis. I suppose this does nail down the audience a bit more; I think the e-mails are intended for Irish children.

Try this and you’re welcome in the world of s’e_xual giants! /Don’t miss a chance to become a s’e_xual giant! — Is this like the Junior League? The NYAC? Phi Beta Kappa? I want to be let in to the sexual giant club world. If I am a member, do my children attend some kind of cotillion?

So kudos to you, sexual enhancement subject line writers.

Charlotte Savino is a Confusion Corner columnist. She say NO to being small-size loser!