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TV’s best and worst commercials: underwear ads win, dessert pizza ads fall flat

Sure, commercials are a kind of necessary evil to make television possible. But they can be something more. When done properly, commercials can actually be entertaining to watch — they can aspire to be essentially short stories with a bit of product placement. When done poorly, commercials can be boring, pedantic, creepy or confusing.

First, here are some commercials that are worthy of praise.

Fruit of the Loom: This underwear manufacturer has somehow turned the commercial for the mundane into something memorable. Not only are the Fruit Guys funny, but the songs and accompanying music videos are poignant (and, by the way, free to download at fruitguyfans.com). I especially enjoy Apple, the de facto leader of this talking produce stand, and Leaf, who isn’t technically a fruit, but since he’s often attached to fruit, he’s okay.
BP: An animated baby drives with some of his infant friends, looking for an eco- and wallet-friendly gas station at which to fill up. Aside from the excellent graphics, a catchy tune makes me tap my foot and search for the nearest BP. This commercial is excellently executed; it is difficult to stand out in a field in which the competitors sell literally the same product. For an example of a bad gasoline ad, read on.

Apple: I am a fan of PC. But then, who isn’t? The irony of that series of ads is that more sympathy is garnered for PC than for Mac, ostensibly the better of the two systems but also somewhat arrogant. The iPod ads are great because they introduced me to many great bands, including Feist, Quantic, Cut Chemist and OK Go. Also, Orba Squara is the group featured in the iPhone ads.

UPS: Again, this is a field in which pretty much all of the competitors offer the same thing. What makes UPS stand out is its classy series of commercials involving an everyday guy explaining how UPS overcomes delivery obstacles to get your package there faster. The clarity of the ad is amazing, and the guy’s whiteboard tricks are entertaining to watch. Finally, the ad is fittingly accompanied by a song from The Postal Service.
Now, the commercials that are so awful they should be taken into the street and shot, if only they were tangible.

McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish: This ad features two of the fast food chain’s greasy, disgusting filet-o-fish sandwiches arguing over subtle differences in the pronunciation of the “filet-o-fish” moniker. This is a terrible ad for two reasons. First, the concept itself is shockingly mundane; by the end of the one-minute ad, I wanted to stab something. Second, such prolonged close-ups of this disgusting fast food give us more reasons to vomit than drool, as we have plenty of time to observe the unnaturally square-shaped fish, the wilted lettuce and the tartar sauce that may or may not have gone bad last year.

Anti-pot ads: A poorly drawn landscape and ear-aching music mark the latest in anti-pot awareness. Each time, a weird guy implores his girlfriend or dog to smoke with him. Each time, they reject him for an alien or something. It’s almost as if the people who came up with this anti-pot campaign were high. These ads don’t discourage me from smoking marijuana; in fact, they encourage it. Each time I see one of these ads, I’m tempted to go puff a joint right away, just to spite them.

Domino’s Oreo Dessert Pizza: And, for that matter, any ad for pizza, but especially when a pizza chain tries to expand its offerings. No pizza ad has ever made me want pizza, not even Papa John’s commercials, which are the only ones that even come close to being acceptable. Remember Fudgems? Yes, he haunts my dreams too. Sadly, Oreo pizza may actually be good, but we’ll never know because the commercial stars a creepy dad explaining to his creepy son that his Oreo pizza mustache will fill out with time. There went my desire to try it. This is even creepier than the Netflix ads involving the eerily perky family watching movies with their eerily perky neighbors — at least the Netflix family is creepily frisky instead of creepily calm as in the Domino’s ads.

Shell: Shell’s sad attempt to make me believe that they actually drove two cars across the country to prove their fuel is better made me laugh. First, I recognized one of the “scientists” from other commercials, and second, the bit where one scientist finds his car trapped within a herd of sheep is implausible at best. I’m taking my business to BP.

Viagra: Although I am personally disturbed by Viagra commercials, I recognize that ED does affect millions of men, and up until now their ads have been somewhat tasteful. But then Viagra had to go and make a commercial involving a middle-aged garage band singing about their ED medication to the tune of “Viva Las Vegas.” It’s just so disgusting. I’d like to see someone take Viagra and then try to play the upright bass.

Alex Guillén is the associate reviews editor. He wants to know if you have any Grey Poupon.