 | Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 You’ll have to keep yourself from punching those slow walkers in the back of the head. Don’t worry, the stars will make sure they receive their come-uppance.
|  | Taurus: April 20 – May 20Don’t play into the media hype that president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the most evil force in the world. That honor clearly goes to Parking Services.
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 | Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 You knew that nutmeg-induced hallucinations were going to be strange, but you never thought Boris the Blade would propose to you.
|  | Gemini: May 21- June 21 You might be depressed over the Redskins’ week three loss, but it could be worse. You could be a Redskins fan who also reads “Harry Potter”. Talk about depressing.
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 | Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 If you get bored this week, try this: Go to flathatnews.com, register as anonymous to hide your identity and bitch about things that don’t concern you.
|  | Cancer: June 22 – July 22 You’ll be thankful for the Health Center this week when you hurt your neck trying to fellate yourself over how intelligent you sounded in class today.
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 | Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18You will decide this week to join the large group of people who are offended by our sex column. Not because you care, but because you never get laid.
|  | Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22Yeah, you’re right: A blind man in a wheelchair could have finished the construction on Landrum Drive by now.
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 | Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20 You just can’t seem to figure out that problem set, can you? Fear not; just ask Sam Sadler to form a committee, and within two years you may have results.
|  | Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22This week, you will become motivated to change the College’s official color to red because of all the tape that surrounds every fucking thing on campus.
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 | Aries: March 21 – April 19 Your physics professor encourages curiosity, but he won’t know what to say when you ask him how Gene Nichol could pull off a five-minute keg stand.
|  | Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 Speaking of which, don’t be alarmed this week if you hear Gene Nichol announce our new mascot: the College Bureaucratic Clusterfucks.
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