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Engaged and underageThey met as blind senior prom dates, at a colonial dancing competition and in eighth grade gym class. They’ve sacrificed time and money to make long distance treks between schools or as far as an Army base in Bamburg, Germany. They’ve even sacrificed family and religion. Yet they aren’t the pregnant bridezillas and discouraged high school dropouts that MTV’s “Engaged and Underage” advertise. The only common factor for engaged and married students at the College seems to be that each of their relationships has been tested by long distance, and each are looking to the future with a level-headed preparedness. While others haven’t yet chosen their majors, these ring-clad students know where they want to start their families. Yet young engagement seems to be a taboo fed by shotgun weddings and the immediate connotation of the words “divorce rate.” “I think it is more of a problem with society,” Faith Bland ’08 said. “I have a problem with Oprah because she insists that women should get everything that they want. I think you should have to work for the good things in your life, especially relationships.” Faith met her husband, Paul Bland ’08 at a community college in Fredericksburg through their common hobby of colonial dancing. Paul transferred to the College first and, as Faith said, “If you’re going to follow your boyfriend to a school, you can’t do better than William and Mary.” The two were engaged in July 2006 after dating for almost two years. They were married one year later in Wren Chapel. “I’ve got to admit, I kind of bugged him about [getting married],” Faith said. “I felt it was the natural progression for the relationship. We were not sure if financially we were ready — but that alone is not a good enough reason [to wait].” Their parents’ responses to the decision were bipolar. Faith’s parents were supportive. She believes her rational approach to the relationship helped her parents see that she was approaching the situation with maturity. “I tried to keep a very realistic view about it and recognize the problems,” Faith said. Paul’s family received the news with criticism that young marriages often fail. Though Paul’s mother married at age 18, she was still hesitant. “I think I’m on a different level with them,” Paul said. “I’m not their little boy anymore.” While most friends were very supportive of the engagement, some people received the couple’s decision to marry in college with surprise and wariness. “Sometimes I sense it is a little weird for them,” Faith said. “I am tied down; that’s the path I’ve chosen. We were just the first. We were the trendsetters.” The trend seems to have caught on — two of Faith’s four bridesmaids have set the dates for their own weddings. Both were each other’s first serious relationship, but they do not believe that they were too young. Among other reasons, the time was right with regards to their conservative religious views, the couple said. “I personally feel it was the right decision. On many levels it is actually much more convenient and less expensive. We save on rent, food, car insurance and even share some books,” Faith said. Despite the Wren Chapel’s year-long waiting list, the couple obtained a Wren wedding at an opportune time, almost exactly one year after their engagement. For $500 the couple received a strict two-hour time slot in the Chapel. Friends provided choral and string musical accompaniment free of charge, and other friends helped reduce catering costs. Marriage was right for the Blands financially as well as because of their religious, but both have proven to be an obstacle to Chase Albert ’10 and Rachel Brown ’10. While marriage is in some ways an acceptance of preparedness to make sacrifices, the couple discarded family and religious beliefs for their relationship. The two met first semester of their freshman year of college and were engaged just a few months later in the spring. When summer sent Brown home to California and Albert to Northern Virginia, the couple faced telling their parents about their engagement. Brown did not tell her family for several months. Her parents did not agree with the relationship, which, along with her overall college experience, had prompted her to question many things, including her Christian upbringing. “When I started acting like I was questioning, many of my Christian friends started treating me with this arms-length cautiousness — like they could catch what I had by hanging out with me too much,” Brown said. “One of the factors that played into the poor treatment I got from my Christian friends was how serious Chase and my relationship was, which they considered un-Christian. I would say that going through the very traumatic experience of deconversion together definitely built a stronger bond.” In reaction to her parents’ strong disapproval, Brown moved across the country to Northern Virginia, where she now works as she takes a year off from school to save money. She now considers herself to be agnostic. Albert began questioning his religious views before he came to college. “I don’t have a religion,” Albert said. “I sometimes say ‘anti-theist,’ but I don’t have any real meaning for that. I don’t classify myself as an atheist, because that’s just the sort of lumping I was trying to get rid of when I deconverted.” Though Brown’s family was concerned about her engagement because she is young, her religious decision to disaffiliate was devastating for her parents. “My family considers me a prodigal, and they pray every day that I’ll go back to Christianity,” Brown said. Albert’s family also reacted with initial surprise, but they have welcomed Brown into their family. For Albert, age was never a concern. “I have never felt too young,” he said. “I kind of thought it a silly consideration to make — statistically, a marriage this early is doomed. I don’t know. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Rachel. And I hate that cliche.” Brown plans to return to the College this fall. She is applying for in-state and independent status with the university. The couple would like to get married in April of their graduation year. “We can’t really get married before then because of financial aid reasons,” Brown said. “If not for that, we’d definitely already be married.” For Brown and Albert’s cross-country relationship, distance was the least of their problems. Their brief courtship pales in comparison to the relationship of Kristina Forero-Hordusky ’11 and Matthew Smith, a freshman at Virginia Commonwealth University. “The whole time I was dating [Matthew], I didn’t think, ‘He’s the one, he’s the one,’” Forero-Hordusky, who met her boyfriend in eighth grade gym class, said. The two have been together since freshman year of high school. “The looming idea of college made us realize how close the future is,” she said. Her fiance proposed the summer before their freshman year of college. “It really wasn’t even a thought that we would go to the same school,” Forero-Hordusky said. “It’s hard, but, I mean, we understand that we have time. If we can last four years, what’s another four?” The couple plans to wait at least a year after college to marry. Forero-Hordusky’s mother married young and divorced. “It definitely made me realize that I don’t want to go out and rush things,” Forero-Hordusky said. “College really does change people.” Forero-Hordusky said most people are pleasantly surprised to hear she is engaged, which she attributes to the fact that the couple plans to put off marriage until after school. “That’s the weird thing — no one has told me, ‘You’re crazy,’” she said. For Jared Calfee ’10 and Alicia Glorfield ’10, commuting didn’t work. As freshmen, Calfee attended Coastal Carolina University in Myrtle Beach, S.C. and Glorfield attended Emory University in Atlanta. They were separated by a six-hour commute that defined their freshman year relationship. Both transferred to the College in the fall of 2007. Calfee and Glorfield met while in high school and got engaged just a few months later with plans to wait until after college to marry for financial reasons. “Our parents have said ‘Once you are married, you’re on your own,’” Glorfield said. Calfee and Glorfield attended different high schools in Richmond and were set up as blind dates from senior prom by mutual friends. Though they got engaged just a few months after prom night, Glorfield said, “We both know what it’s like to date others, which has been a good frame of reference for our relationship.” The speedy engagement was received with shock by their parents, particularly their mothers. “The first thing they said was ‘You’re going to wait until after school, right?’” Glorfield said. Their one year apart during freshman year of college strengthened their relationship. “You have to let the other person know you are completely there,” Glorfield said, which she says the couple achieved through good communication. Long distance also required time and energy to visit and maintain the relationship over the phone. “You should never feel that you are sacrificing anything,” said Calfee. Ashley Bateman ’08 and her husband understand the benefits good communication, and know a thing or two about sacrifice. Communication via telephone is Ashley’s main experience of married life. Her husband Jonas Bateman, a 2006 graduate of James Madison University, is currently serving in the Army in Afghanistan. He gets up at 5 a.m. to call his wife every morning before work. Ashley met Jonas at a New Year’s Eve party that neither planned to attend. Despite their chance meeting, they pushed the limits of superstition and got engaged on Friday the 13th on the Crim Dell bridge in April 2007. The couple dated long distance between JMU and the College; the distance increased when Jonas was stationed in Germany. They had been talking about marriage for a while before he proposed. “I always said I would never get married in college,” Ashley said. “We always knew he’d be deployed and go to Germany. We kind of got serious fast. It’s very serious now being in the Army — they are working 16- to 18-hour days and need to know they have complete support.” The couple was married this past January, when Jonas was able to return briefly from his current deployment in Afghanistan where he works in transportation as a first lieutenant. “Afghanistan is much less developed,” Ashley said. “If he were in Iraq, he would be able to contact me more.” Though there may be more technological obstacles in Afghanistan, she is happy the area is a little safer than Iraq. “I haven’t really gotten to experience married life yet,” Ashley said. “I went eight months before and now I have to wait another six months without seeing him — only hearing his voice over the phone,” she said. After Ashley graduates, she will move to Germany where Jonas will continue to serve after returning from Afghanistan. “The next few years we will have to sacrifice where we want to live to help make sure that he doesn’t get deployed again. Luckily, by the time he’s done, I’ll only be 26,” she said. The years she has ahead as an Army wife will influence their decision on when to have children since it will determine where they will live. While some couples are ready to make such a sacrifice, it isn’t the right move for everyone. “Make sure it’s something that you really want if you are going to sacrifice for it,” Ashley said. “I know it is important to have your own life, but I don’t regret anything that I might have missed out on. College doesn’t seem that flexible, but it is. You have space and you have time.” |
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Seed Newsvine
I’m amazed some people can get married this early in life. I mean college is a time during which you change from a child to an adult, and become your true self. How can you know what you truly want before you’ve reached this end? Plus, there are so many more people and experiences out there waiting for you in your 20’s…I don’t think people should think about settling down until several years after college. I’m not criticizing those couples already engaged, as it seems to be what they want, but I would caution other young couples from getting too serious in relationships at this young age…you have your entire life to develop those.
— Matt Feb 24, 03:01 AM #
The question of “how old you are” is really the question of “how much adult experience you’ve had.” MOST (esp. at WM) have not had enough adult experience, but some of us have. There are (and I include myself in this population) a few WM students who have had much more adult experience than many older “adults,” and they became adults before they reached college. They have “become their true self” before they’ve reached college. I realize this is a very narrow group of students, but I don’t want that group negated in Matt’s statement.
I, for one, had experienced death close-up, sexual assaults on the school bus, gang-wars, an ex-father who abused cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana almost as much as he abused my sister, mother, and myself, representing my state in gymnastics competitions, and working two jobs / paying taxes while going to school all before I hit 15 in high school. I was reading Hume, Descartes, Rousseau, and doing basic calculus in 4th grade. I may not be exactly the same person now as I was then, but my maturity level and thought processes has been the same since I was that age. College didn’t change me from a child into an adult – I made that change long before I hit 18.
— Senior at WM Feb 24, 10:07 AM #
I’d like to point out that multiple psychological studies have shown that marriages formed before the age of 20 have an 80-90% divorce rate. This is because people naturally change so much in their 20s that who you are at 30 is pretty far from who you were at 20. Why rush things? If you’re right for each other, waiting a few years to really grow up shouldn’t be a big deal.
— Psych Student Feb 24, 03:07 PM #
Should have added that I’m 22, just for information. (Not advocating under 20 marriages).
— Senior at WM Feb 24, 03:36 PM #
“Senior at WM”, thanks for using this online forum as a chance to emphasize your personal achievements. Perhaps I’ll make you a trophy for having such a hard knock life?
— sophomore at WM Feb 24, 11:13 PM #
If you had comprehended the beginning of my post and not taken that paragraph out of context, you’d realize that I wasn’t listing those events in my life to brag – I was using them as a vehicle to describe manners in which a narrow group of students have the requisite adult experience to make difficult life choices (e.g., getting married) without the fear that they are “too young.” Apparently, you haven’t learned what happens when you take something out of context. It has nothing to do with wanting a trophy or public approval – I couldn’t care less about either. But it does have to do with making a point about what the question of age actually signifies.
— Senior at WM Feb 25, 07:59 AM #
I kinda agree with the “sophomore”. Not about giving you a trophy or w/e, but I think your point isn’t really valid if I’m thinking about your examples correctly. Just because you’ve had to act like a grown-up in certain areas of your life doesn’t mean that you’re ready for a serious relationship. You’re never going to have an opportunity like college to meet people. If you close yourself off from others or don’t even entertain the idea of looking for a new person to date, you’re missing so many opportunities. Not only for a sexual partner, but lifelong friendships.
— relationship-phobic Feb 26, 12:53 AM #
relationship-phobic, I don’t think that was his point. It’s not that being grown-up in some areas of your life make you grown up in all of them. It’s that being grown-up in some areas of your life (or most, in this person’s case) can justify maturity and readiness to handle other adult decisions, such as getting married. There is an important distinction here.
— Professor Feb 26, 09:30 AM #
I can appreciate your concerns, relationship-phobic. (Sounds like I’m writing one of those “Dear ___” column letters). I’m not sure what else would qualify as experience for getting married. I’ve had 4 longer-term relationships (over a year) and I’ve dated about 6 other women. I watched my mother’s three year acrimonious divorce, and my ex-father with his insane moral compass has taught me exactly what a father and husband aren’t (and consequently, I have learned what one is.) I have a very clear idea about what I want, what I don’t want, and what will work for me in love. I might (highly doubt it) meet other people that I find interesting, but in general I hate being around people, because most of them are completely incompetent idiots at life and I hate the concept of partying and casual dating.
The other experiences are useful insofar as they provide a certain kernel of strength and maturity from which a person can draw on in other, seemingly-unrelated areas of life.
Most importantly (and the crux of my point) is that those experiences have fixed the kind of person I am, e.g., at no point am I going to enjoy partying, the frats, people who can’t form a coherent argument, or those whose “eloquence” makes me wonder how in hell they were accepted to W&M (which, by the way, is about 1/2 of all the students I’ve met here). The point is that I’m not undergoing any drastic changes that will “change me into my true self” during college – the very nature of the experiences I’ve had have fixed who I am before I came to this institution. Hell, (as a goofy example) I had my major and minor chosen at 16, and now I’m graduating with a degree in those areas and heading to a top 10 law school this fall.
This is one of those topics – at least in my case – that we’ll have to agree to disagree because the details of whether or not someone is ready are highly subjective (the general sense is less so). It’s too boring to inflate my ego by describing ALL of my related accomplishments / experiences here, and some will find it distasteful. But I assure you – I have come across no adult that has thought that I am not ready to get married – premarital counselors, parents, relatives, friends, psychologists… (This is not intended as a foolproof argument by any means.) But this is just to give you an idea that perhaps there are 22 year olds (such as myself) who are prepared for marriage. I didn’t say many, but there is a narrow group of them.
— Senior at WM Feb 26, 09:47 AM #
In response to Senior, I think you have valid points, but I believe you to be the exception to the rule. You seem to have gone through a lot of experiences that other kids (and I do mean KIDS) our age haven’t gone through. That said, I think most college kids, including myself are not mature enough for marriage. I’ve seen that 90% divorce rate before, and I think it speaks for itself. The majority of these young marriages don’t last.
Take myself for instance. I’ll admit I grew up in a fairly sheltered environment up in Massachusetts. I didn’t know what the word “hard” meant until I was separated from my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years by 600 miles. But sophomore year I realized how young I was, and although I THOUGHT this girl was the one (I still do think she is even though we’re no longer dating) I realized our relationship was childish and idealistic and really did not reflect the changes and tribulations that people face when in their early 20’s. I think most serious relationships can be characterized this way and that age.
The thing that really worries me is seeing all these couples around campus that literally hang over each other 24/7, sleeping in each other’s bed each night, and asking each other’s permission to do things. That kind of dependency is unhealthy as is asking for an unstable relationship. Unfortunately, many of these dependent couples will be the ones setting themselves up for misery by marrying during or shortly after college. I mean think about all the experiences they’re missing out on: the freedom to go anywhere you want, going abroad, taking any job you want, not being worried about having kids…those are all lost after marriage. I feel that the 20’s are a time for self-exploration and discovery that should not be hampered by dependence on another.
By the way, I’m not a bitter ex-boyfriend or anything, I have a girlfriend I’m currently very happy with, but I will never let our relationship get serious enough so that it determines how I live my life.
— Matt Feb 28, 10:02 PM #
Matt, I completely agree. Very well-written post.
So the question is: where do we get a babysitter for all these kids around us?
:)
— Senior at WM Feb 29, 06:53 AM #
I’ve known people to get engaged in college after dating for 4, 5 or 6 months. These people are idiots. Their marriages will all fail.
— Nicole Feb 29, 05:48 PM #
I too don’t understand the need to rush into these things. If you’re so crazy about each other, just date for a few years, graduate, start careers, figure out who you are as individuals. And THEN, if by some small chance you feel the same way about each other that you did when you were 20, then get engaged. Don’t lock yourself into anything this life-altering before your brains have fully matured. Don’t deny yourself a full life when you’re young.
— K Feb 29, 05:54 PM #
My question for all you who think these people are idiots is how do you know when the right time is? I married less than 6 months out of college. Was that too soon? Everyone’s circumstances are different and to blankly condemn marriage in college is ridiculous. Just because you don’t feel mature enough or a need to experience more doesn’t mean others do.
— Beth Feb 29, 07:27 PM #
There is no possible way two people could get to know each other in 6 months enough to make the decision to commit to an entire LIFE together.
— Nicole Feb 29, 07:43 PM #
I’ve been through 2 1/2 years with my fiancee, 3 by the time we get married. I feel pretty damn justified. I think there is a minimum amount of time necessary, but past that it becomes more and more an individual set of circumstances, rationale, and necessities to determine how much longer before you have all the information you need to make the decision.
— Senior at WM Mar 1, 12:21 AM #
Nicole:
You say there’s no possible way two people can get to know each other that fast, but just to provide a counterargument – my parents dated for 3 1/2 months and have been happily married for 22 years. You can’t generalize something that is such an individual experience and make blanket statements about all relationships. Sure, some will probably not work out and that’s unfortunate; however, others will go on to live their lives together because they knew that it was the right decision for them.
— K. Mar 4, 01:19 AM #
I think that’s exactly right, K. The success of a marriage has much more to do with whether or not two people commit to work through things together than it does with “compatibility”. Even if people spend years determining that yes, they are compatible – people change! Its the committed ones that make it through.
Compatibility is a passive trait – you’re either compatible or not. Committment is a choice. Love is anything but passive – its an active thing. Its not something you discover after investigating for a certain period of time – its something you create.
Granted – I would also add that stupidity GENERALLY but not always decreases with age. There’s a point where marrying too young could be a problem if you’re not being realistic about things. But I wouldn’t say that anyone who marry’s early is doomed to fail.
— class of 2006 Mar 4, 10:44 AM #
and by the way – congratulations and good luck to all the couples in this article!
— class of 2006 Mar 4, 12:35 PM #
Okay, so what if two people do commit after just a few months together, and then in several years they realize that there’s nothing to commit TO? That they really should have waited to see what kind of people they’d turn out to be years AFTER graduation. Like the first K said, don’t lock yourself into something before you even know who you ARE.
Of course there are exceptions, like your parents second K., but these cases are so rare. Your average college couple that gets engaged after 3/4/5/6 months will indeed get divorced at some point.
— Nicole Mar 4, 01:36 PM #
I liked Faith’s comment in the article that marriage takes work. I think if people go in realizing that yes, they will both change over time (and not just in their 20s) and yes, it will be difficult sometimes, then they are mature enough to get married, even if they are still in college.
— a recent alum Mar 6, 04:19 PM #
Agreed, a recent alum.
— Senior at WM Mar 6, 07:34 PM #